Over the years I've noticed an increase in the number of articles or reports on the burden of having children. Everywhere we look now we are faced with something telling us how terrible being a parent is nowadays. Why is this?
In two consecutive weeks the Daily Mail ran two different articles on the curse of parenthood. The first was the almost forty something woman who had twins through IVF but was speaking about her terrible anguish and how she wanted to adopt one out because... she had downs and wasn't "perfect" (her words, not mine). Unfortunately I can't find the link to that article. The second, more recent article can be found here.
The couple speak woefully of how their triplets wrecked their marriage.
Edit: The first article I refer to is here thanks to a lovely lady who found the link for me!
Now raising kids is hard. Raising multiples must be really hard. But in both these articles stands out the "me, me, me, my, my, my" attitudes of the parents. In the latter, which I'll focus on here because you can read what I'm talking about, there are several things which don't sit well with me.
This couple lived beyond their means and didn't even reign it in even though they were in debt. They could have chosen to downsize their home or cut back on their lifestyle. If they can afford two separate homes now surely they could have afforded some changes while still together in order to relieve some of the financial pressure? He
chose to take a job abroad probably to try and keep the lifestyle they were accustomed to despite having newborn triplets. He could have got a job closer to home. They made the decision to go ahead with IVF knowing full well the chances of conceiving multiples are higher. They cannot claim to know that two/three/four children at once is going to be more expensive than one at a time. You will be aware that you will need to account for childcare costs if you are planning to return to work after one child. Go into IVF with the possibility of multiples and you should be aware that more than one child will equal more than one set of childcare costs. And a couple should not make a decision to have a child in order to "seal their love". Children shouldn't be added to a relationship as a means of making it stronger. The relationship should be on solid footing to begin with. If your relationship is already fragile a child is not going to be the miracle glue to fix it.
Nowhere have they taken responsibility for their own actions. In fact, the husband says: 'The tragedy is that neither Bernadette nor I did anything wrong,'. Really? So you just go and blame your triplets in a national newspaper? Great parents and I hope your children never learn to Google their names.
The thing is, couples like this can be found in articles everywhere now. Children are no longer seen as something special or something to be cherished. Is it any wonder that so many people seem to resent their children now? After all, it's how the media tells them they should feel, right?
From the three page spreads in the glossy parenting magazines which tell us the latest baby must-haves to the newspaper columns listing the extortionate costs of the privilege of raising a tiny, screaming, milk-puking red-faced bundle into a lumbering,screaming, alcohol-puking, red-faced teen which runs into thousands per child (the article above quotes the cost as £10,000 per child). Of course there is the fact that having kids will ruin your body, destroy your relationship, and leave you an emotional wreck. You need x amount of "me-time" for every parenting hour you put in because, horror of horrors, if you don't you will suffer for it. But this "me-time" must consist of going out and spending money on YOU because YOU are worth it.
And it must be true because that's what they all say.
Even a trip to the library will re-affirm the truth in this. Look under the "self help" (i.e the "How to become more selfish and narcissistic" section). It's all about
you, don't you know. Where is the "Selflessness" or "How-to-put-others-before-yourself-for-once-in-your-bloody-life" section? Or the article that will not nurture your spirit because you are made of marshmallow fluff and delicate china but will tell you straight that actually, the world doesn't revolve around you and yes, you can actually think of others (including, oh dare I say it,
your children) before yourself and, get this,
it won't kill you!
And if it all goes wrong, if the decisions you have made go to pot and everything hits the wall it's easy. You don't need to take responsibility for any of it. Just blame the children. It's ok. Everyone does it. All it takes is one look at a programme, magazine article or newspaper column.
For once, just
once in this day and age, I'd like to see parenthood portrayed in a positive light. Why is it so bad to have an article titled "Babies, the true cost on a real budget" or "Don't even consider it - baby stuff you don't need, will never use and will re-sell on an auction site for a smidgeon of the amount you originally paid for it".
How about more articles on the positives of family life?
How about the strong relationships that have become stronger as their families grew?
How about a half page spread, that's all I ask, on mothers that
enjoy motherhood? On fathers that love to spend time with their families? Is that too radical?
How about less of the "me-time" encouragement and the idea that when you decide to add a new life to a family the family dynamics change, therefore "me-time" will become "us-time". The "us" will consist of whoever is in the family. It's not a bad thing. Honest! It's different. But unlike the image that is portrayed it is
not a negative.
How about re-encouraging the family unit?
How about recognising the blessing of children rather than using the idea of them as burdens to sell your publications? Or doesn't that bring the money into the WAG/popstar/reality TV Z-lister celeb idolising generation you want to sell to?
Well media, how about trying it?
